Morning lovelies :-) I know you all love the {www} real brides muchly, so you will be over the moon this morning to find the lovely Laura has written an extra posting for you this month.… all about changing her surname. It makes for a very interesting read, and i would love to hear your thoughts below too.… i shall be leaving mine hehe!! xoxo Lou
All images by Laura Babb Photography
Hello you lot. Real Bride Laura here. Lou asked all of us Real Brides whether we’d like to write a discussion post for the site and I
didn’t really need to think very hard about a subject that’s been running through my mind over and over and over and…..
The Great Name Change Debate
Are you changing yours? I’ve been backwards and forwards like a swing in a force 10 gale trying to decide what to do.
My starting point was to think about how I feel about my name. Babb: that’s my name, don’t wear it out!
I have been a Babb for nearly 32 years. It’s not the most usual of names, I guess. And, growing up, people seemed to think referring to me a Donner Kebabb was good fun. Kids, eh?
And no one hears me correctly. I’ve been Laura Bad more times than I can recount. And someone once addressed a letter to ‘Laura B A Double Bee’ (no joke or lie!) which is what you get for being helpful and spelling your name out, I suppose.
Friends (and many a random Twitter follower) also call me Babb, Babbs or Babbsy rather than Laura. I know that makes me sound a bit like a football hooligan but, you know I’m not and it’s a nickname that’s I’ve grown to be quite fond of.
All of these things, whether trying and tedious or familiar and comforting kind of form part of my identity. I’ve had 32 years of
life to come to terms with them and I feel at home in my name.
Of course there’s also my feminist views about the matter. So I’m born the property of one man (daddy!) and he assigns me with his name, only for me to be passed into the possession of another man whose name I have to take? Do you want to brand me with a hot iron while you’re at it?
I am of course presenting a pretty extreme view (my real life view is much less strident, I promise) but for me personally this is a real consideration. I can’t help but feel the whole name changing thing (and giving a daughter away, while we’re on the subject!) harks back to a time when women weren’t given equal standing in society.
Of course the flip side is that it would be nice for Pete and me to wear the same team colours as it were. If we had the same name people would know we’re a unit, wouldn’t they?
Well I hope the important people will know we’re a unit anyway. What with having attended our wedding and all….
I asked Pete to change his name (this was a bit of an experiment really to see how he felt about it). He said no on the basis that his name is, you know, his name and why on earth would he change it to something different?
I concur wholeheartedly.
One of the main arguments, I suppose, for everyone having the same name is children. If you have them, they should all have the same name, shouldn’t they?
Well in some cultures girls take the same name as their mums and boys take the name of their dads. I think that’s quite nice. Or I guess you could double barrel the surnames and give that name?
I can see why these things matter to some people but in this day and age, where family units are no longer always 2.4 children with two parents of different sexes, children don’t bat an eyelid at the fact that little Jimmy has a different surname from his mum(s) and/or dad(s).
Obviously all of this is written from my very personal perspective. A lot of people can’t wait to change their names. Especially if your name happens to be something that causes other people to snigger when they hear it. I’m looking at you Ms Snufflebottompants*.
*Ms Snufflebottompants might just be a little bit made up.
In actual fact I do know men that have changed their name when they’ve married a woman with children from a former relationship. The children in question all had the same name as their mum (not their biological dad) and it was felt that it would be less confusing/unsettling for them if their new step dad took the same name. There was obviously a lot less paperwork involved too!
And on that note I’m much too lazy to learn a new signature!
There are a million and one reasons to make a decision either way. Are you changing your name or not? And why have you decided to do what you’re doing?
Laura x
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Sophie says:
Hi Laura (& Lou!),
For me, the choice was easy - whilst I wasn't a Ms Snufflebottompants, I was a Ms Cramp... Many a time was I on the phone saying "Yes, C R A M P as in that awful pain you get in your leg". With this in mind, I couldn't wait to change my name. I guess I didn't really spend too much time thinking about my poor dad, and how without any siblings and with two daughters and no sons, his name will not be passed on any further... I'd be really interested to hear what other brides think about this, it's a tricky one! Sophie x
Bethan Jones (Haywood Jones Photography) says:
Aw Laura (Babb/Babbs/Babbsy) what a lovely post. I seem to meet mostly people who have no problem at all in changing their name when they get hitched. I hugely struggled deciding what to do when I got married, and my name is even less exotic, I am a Jones ha ha ha! I was never going to lose my name, but for a long time thought I would become double barrled la-di-da with my hubby name. Then I just gave up and stuck with my own. It is such a personal choice for everyone. I am one of four girls so no name continuation, plus being from Welsh heritage I like being a Jonesy. It was hard telling my other halfs family and trying to explain why. Actually I lie, it was really easy for me, just hard for them! Good luck with whatever you decide, but I can wholeheartedly vouch that everyone knows me and my fella are a team, of the strongest variety, even if we don't have the same surname xxx
Laura C says:
Ah Laura! The Boy and I had the exact same conversation last night!
He was all 'we finally get to be Team Parker, like, officially'. And my response was more 'I already am on your team, but I'm a Cutress by blood, I feel like I'm betraying them a little'.
I wholeheartedly, 99.9% am sure I'll change to Mrs(Dr!!) Parker, but I'll be a bit hesitant filling in the form and will definately take a little getting used to. But if he wants me for ever and ever, I'm pretty sure I can stretch to changing a few letters :)
Grace says:
Hey Laura,
Good discussion topic!
I am going to be ditching my surname in favour of The Boy's one! I am currently a Leggett and have had a whole lifetime of 'leg it, Leggett' etc etc and I shall become a Williams, a much more common name and one without much cause for teasing. My twin brother is carrying on the line, having had a son himself, so I don't feel any pressure to do it.
Also, it was really important to me that I share the same surname as The Boy and any children we may be blessed with.
Only 7 months to go until I cease to be a Leggett!
Victoria Nutbrown says:
Absolutly brilliant post! I love how you've written exactly what I've been thinking! As you might be able to guess I've been known as Nutty (Nutbrown) since I was about 8! It's my name more than Victoria is, i've grown up with it and I like it, my fiancé even calls me Nutty, so I just couldn't go and change it now. Saying that my fiancé is quite traditional and wants me to take his name - I've also asked if he'll take mine and got a similar reaction to you! ;-) Perhaps double barrel is the way forward! X
Amanda Champness says:
Great post Laura, I'm also very attached to my last name! It's very unusual and if you search for my online on google or facebook I'm the only one and I love it! In fact I've NEVER met another Champness that I didn't already know or wasn't related! However the other half is Kent BORING!!!!! How can I go from being so unusual to being so common??? EASY I'M NOT!!!!!
I'm being even more unique! And this is well timed as my brand new passport arrived today, so I am now going to be Mrs Amanda Champness-Kent now there's not going to be another one of those is there!
And as for the boy, well it's my ruddy name! But luckierly he's fine with it, mainly because we've agreed the kids will be Kent. His Mum and Dad are under the smae opinion as me, it's my name: none of their buiness! There words not mine!
And do I care that the kids will have a different name from me? NO my Mum's got a different name from me and has for a long time! As has my sister are they any less for it - no not one little bit!
Kelly {WWW} Bride says:
This is something I go back and forth over most days actually, I love my surname but chose for my little girl to have her Daddys name so we will be the R's but I'm not fully convinced and not sure I ever will be. I dont want anything to change about us when we marry as I love our relationship, I dotn want a 'husband' I just want him to be my husband (does that even make sense) so I dont want people expecting me to become a 'wife' by taking his name. But he wont and thats all I care about!
Good post Babbs.x
laura says:
Really interesting subject, Laura! I'm double-barrelling our names, I don't want to take his name partly because I don't like the sound of his surname with my first name, Laura Tyrer has too many R sounds in it for my liking and having my name in between them makes it sound less harsh to my ears. My other reason is that I don't see that I'm becoming his property or part of his family when we marry, we've been together 12 years anyway, we are already a team but it's 'Team Ian & Laura' and I see no reason for it to change. I suggested to Ian that he double-barrelled too but he doesn't want to, he wants to stay as he is and that's fair enough, he hasn't demanded I change mine so I won't do it to him.
I'm with you on the 'giving away' business too. My brother is walking down the aisle with me, he's not walking me down the aisle, I'm going there of my own free will, he's not giving me away, I have had to explain this many times and have always been met with an entirely blank expression.
Wow, I've rambled on a bit there, sorry about that
Alexandra {The Bijou Bride} says:
Make it up - I did! My husband was a Merriman and me a Perman, we decided that we wanted to start our own family name (plus being a bit a feminist I didn't want 'man' in my name) so when we married we changed our names via Deed Poll to Mr & Mrs Merri, the nickname I always refer to my husband as. It's personal and special to us and even though he has kept the Merriman for work that makes it even funnier xox
MrsA-to-be says:
Great post Babb! Was having this discussion with Amanda at the RMW hen do - I think I will take Mr A's surname, but can't help feeling a bit sad that I won't be a Harris anymore especially as, like you, that's what I get called by most people.
I wouldn't mind double-barrelling, but Mr A doesn't like that idea. Then I suggested merging, to become Mr & Mrs Harnold. Didn't go down too well ;) (Incidently, I read about a couple with the surnames Tuffin and Powell recently - they merged to become Mr & Mrs Puffin!)
My tutor at school was Miss Hooker (and her mum's maiden name had been Belcher!) To top it off, she was called Tracey, and her sister was Sharon! She COULD NOT wait to become Mrs Jones ;)
xXx
Simone Carousel Girl says:
I'm really struggling with this! I love my last name, I'm a Garland and my full name has a wonderful ring to it. When people hear my name in full they always compliment me on it. But more than that I'm proud to be a Garland people always say 'oh you can tell they're a Garland' our last name is very much part of our clan and my Identity.
Then when I thought of taking the boyfriends name there were other problems, his Dad walked out on him and we've been together so long that this is an emotional issue for both of us. I don't want to take my other half's Fathers name out of principle. So we came to a compromise that we would take his mothers name last name which his brother also did when he got married then we'd be a new clan.
But everyday I go back and forward between keeping my own name that I love and having a family name for our new clan. I don't know how I'll ever decide.
Abi Lady HarHar says:
My real name (believe or not, Lady HarHar is not my surname) is Harwood... and I love it... I cannot explain why. But its my name... however, I am still undecided about what I will be after w-day. Whenever I mention (to anyone) the thought of double barrelling, I get 'tuts'. If I was to double-barrel it would be Harwood-Cowley... So my full name would be (wait for it).. Abigail Alexandra Harwood-Cowley... which lets be frank, is too many syllables in one name! I am liking Jos idea about merging... Cowwood? Harley?? HARLEY... I like that? The Mr? He wants to keep his name (understandable) so its up to me to make up my mind about what I want to be called! But I do like team Harwood/Cowley... but to be just team Cowley? Well, where have I gone in that scenario??
mmmm I'll get back to you when I've made my mind up!!! ;)
Laura {Babb Photo} says:
Thanks for all of your interesting comments, ladies. I think this is such a personal thing and there are no right or wrong answers - we all have to do what's best for us.
Although after reading Alex's comments I think I might insist that Pete and I change our names to Mr and Mrs Merri. Too cute, heh?
Fiona says:
Awesome post Babbster! Wilbourne is a pansy name in comparison (no offence Pete).
I intended to change my name, but was in the middle of a citizenship application and so on, so maintaining the status quo was essential until all the paperwork was finalised. However, once that happened, and it came to getting my passport, the name change question arose again, and I just couldn't do it!
For me, "Team McRobie" means my dad, me and my sisters, getting through life since we were teeny tiny - that's a pretty special something, and not something I can let go of that easily.
Rachie says:
Fabulous post! I'm changing mine and feel okay about it. It was really important to H2B and also both my sisiters have changed theirs so that made me a bit more comfortable. Would have liked to be double barrelled but H2B is already doublebarrelled so that wasnt an option unless I wanted to have 3 surnames!! xx
Brooke - Wolf Whistle says:
Great topic Laura!
I have kept my name (Woolley) mainly for feminist reasons, though I have offered to double barrel but the husband's not really into the idea of Woolley-Miller haha!
I just could never feel comfortable taking another man's name as my own and as mentioned, most men would never consider changing theirs! We're working towards equality and here is a simple place to start. I do like names that are inclusive: double barrelling, combined or newly created names.
Donna says:
I just wanted to say - I've had an email from a lady with the surname Honeybun! How lovely.
Lou {www} says:
Oh wow what a lovely surprise to log on to so many comments :-) thanks so much everyone...
Since Laura submitted this to me, it has been on my mind a lot too....
My surname.. Baltruschat... is pretty unsual and is quite special to me. I quite often get comments or asked about it, so i think i would be sad to loose it.
BUT i also would love to be Mrs H, not only to have the same surname as little A, but to feel more like a unit... weird huh that a name can mean so much to our identity :-)
But hey we actually have to be getting married first hehe xoxo Lou
Neda Lahrodi-Blake says:
I went for double barrel myself but Blake is now grown on me and my full name has become ...well too long. WIll see if I make the transition fully : )
Amy Ditchfield says:
Great post Laura, made me laugh out loud, the ‘Laura B A Double Bee’ part! AMAZING!
I'm having the same dilemma at the minute, I too asked the boy if he would change his name and he flatly refused, with pretty much the same comment as Pete. I too am pretty attached to my name. I haven't decided yet, I change my mind on a daily basis, don't really know how to decide! I think lots of women nowadays are in the same boat now, considering the same question. I agree too about the 'giving away of the bride' bit too. I've actually decided to have both my parents walk with me down the aisle, they both bought me up and I didn't want my mum just sat there at the front without a major role to play in the day. Anyways I digress....Love the way you write! x
Kelly Reds says:
Haha this is so funny Laura. I love my surname REDMAN - I get Reds / Redders a lot and the cheeky kids at school ask me if 'I am actually a man?' Erm, clearly not. But it is well, me.
That said, I will probs take Andy's name of Moloney, which I like, but doesn't have my history (if that makes sense).
Do you also feel that you have become well known with your 'Laura Babb photography' and it would be a pain to change? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Charlotte Gibbons says:
Wow...what a predicament! I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment but for a few more complex reasons (aside from the shared feminist view, Laura). After quite a few years of really wanting to change my surname and actually doing so in my 1st marriage, I really am attached to maiden name - despite the obvious nicknames, Gibbo, Funky Gibbon...and even "scarlett ribbons" for the rhyming value. My brother has already passed down the name with my beautiful niece and nephew, so no excuses there, but added to that I have a son from my 1st marriage with his dad's surname, my son with my soon to be husband with his dad's name, and to make it even more confusing, polish heritage (my soon to be husband) states that the woman's surname ends in an "a" and his in an "i" so we would still in effect have different surnames" What's a girl to do!
Kitten says:
This is something I am really struggling with, I change my mind about it everyday and as we draw closer to our wedding and I am no closer to making a decision, I'm beginning to panic! My surname (Linden) was given to me as it was the name of the road I was born on (I was born at home to unmarried parents). My brother was also given this name when he was born and my mum changed hers by deed poll so we are the 3 Lindens, but I was the first one to get that name and it means a lot to me. I dont believe a woman should change her name and lose her identity just because she is married, but I also love having the same name as my husband and children. He says I can choose but would prefer me to take his, combining our names isnt an option he'll consider, and I change my mind on a daily basis. I want to keep my name as much as I want to share his, and the double barrelled option is just too long. I'm stuck!!
Jenny Lane says:
What a great post. I have being mulling over this even before we got engaged. I love my name, Jenny Lane has a certain ring to it! And Mike's surname is Smith, fairly common I think you'll agree! It started with just staying with my name and we agreed to double barrel our children. However as time has gone on I do like the idea of being Mr and Mrs Smith, our own family. So I have decided on Lane Smith. I can be Ms Lane at school, and if someone calle Mrs Smith they won't be wrong. Merging would just have made Smane or Lith.... Neither of which I'm enamoured with :)
Laura {Babb Photo} says:
Thanks for all of your comments, girls. I'm so glad to hear that it's not just me that's struggling with this!
I think we should all take wonderful made up names. I shall henceforth be known as Mrs Snufflebottompants and if anyone laughs at me I'll kick them in the shins. x